Feeling Grateful; Thank You 2015

2015 has been an eventful year for me, to be honest maybe a little more bad than good and so I am happy to say goodbye to the year. Don't get me wrong, I am also very thankful for this year - I learned a lot about myself this year and for that I owe 2015 a big one.

While a certain big life event didn't go down as planned, I watched as my family and I struggled to understand why this happened. We handled it our own way which was sometimes good and many times not. It's funny how we put on a brave face for those around and think no one will notice how it is bothering you. I tried that too, who wants to show that he/ she is hurt and troubled but my parents showed me strength and support that I couldn't imagine. Same stands for my extended family too For that among all the other million things that they gave me, I am so grateful.

This year, I managed to keep to one of my personal fundas of "visiting one new country" and ticked off Bhutan from my bucket list. It was one of my most memorable trips and I believe it will stay so for a long time.It was 10 days away from my laptop and with minimal internet and only being around nature in the most pristine state that I had probably seen it. I understood the idea of being happy regardless of how much you have from the Bhutanese and I am grateful to them for that.

As my sister and I made our way through Bhutan, I rediscovered my travel buddy in her. We were doing a trip together, just the two of us after 2012. We squabble, yell, laugh, eat, drink, argue, gossip and do so much together. Yes, there are times we do not want to see each other's face but we never stop planning our next trip. For that and all the memories coming up, I am very grateful.

2015 was the year when I stepped into the so called dreaded 30s. When I was still in school, I remember thinking of people who were 30 to be well, old for one and just belong to another planet I guess. Everyone around also puts you in the spotlight as the birthday approaches - when are you going to get married, what are you planning to do with your life etc - so many questions come flying your way. I am not one to care for age, it always was and continues to be a number for me. Let me tell you, it's been 3.5 months since the 30s came around; it feels no different. As I looked back over the 20s that I have left behind, I am grateful for the wonderful memories and the awesome people I have met - you know who you are.

This year has shown me what a massive support system I have in my bunch of friends. They may not be in the same city, hell they may not even be in the same country but they are always there. No, we do not talk everyday or every week and that's fine but when things were down, they were with me every step of the way. So very grateful for them!

So, in all yes the year has been bitter-sweet but the lessons are massive and here to stay. As we step into 2016, I am not sure of any resolutions I want to take up yet but one thing is for sure I am hoping for health, happiness, laughter, fun, madness, success, travel and so much more for all these beautiful people in my life.

Bhutan Diaries: Snippets from the Land of the Thunder Dragon

My annual holiday for 2015 has happened and so has one more tick on my wishlist of items. This was a vacation I had on my mind for a long, long time - I read up like crazy about it, hunted through every article on TripAdvisor, hounded every person who I knew had visited the place n got info; yes we get crazy like that and at last it was time to go - The land of happiness, Bhutan was calling. So a flight to Bagdogra and then a 5 hour drive got us to the border town of Phuentsholing and then began our adventure. One of the biggest advantages for Indians travelling here is that there is no visa needed - you enter with your passport or election card. We managed 5 cities/ towns in 10 days: Paro, Thimphu, Punakha, Bumthang and Phobjikha.

The border gate from Phuentsholing - Photo Credit: Pooja Pillai

So why is a country that borders India such a mystery and so intriguing ? Maybe because until a few years ago, very little was known about the country and its people; maybe because there is still an semi active monarchy which is loved and revered by the people, maybe because they take a lot of care with regard to modernization of the country while holding on to their tradition and more importantly preserving the environment making so damn pretty. We got to experience all of this first hand and there is no disappointment through any bit of the trip and these are my highlights:

- The whole country is pretty, period. No arguments, no however, nothing - everywhere you look, your eyes will first catch a vast patch of green, then perhaps a bit of mountain and then whatever else is there.
- The people are among some of the nicest I have come across - The men don't ogle at women walking on the street, people are willing to help you in case of anything and they genuinely want you to have a good time in their  country. They are also probably some of the only few left who genuinely adore Indians and India. They get a lot of help in terms of resources, food even military support from India. They do a damn good job of using it I have to say; wonder what stops us (stupid question, know the answer).
- Bhutan has a monarchy and the king and queen are adored by the public. I didn't hear one person say anything against them or complain about them. In fact, they were more than eager to tell us of all the wonderful things the royal couple does for the public - how they visit remote, far away villages and check on people, how they are accessible to the general public in case of any trouble, how they create and offer so many opportunities regarding education and jobs for their people. Working for the government is an extremely prestigious job there... imagine that!
- The food there is different from most others - cheese and chillies are the core ingredients in most of their dishes. Most Bhutanese enjoy raw chillies with their food. You can be a little daring and try that as well - really helps with the cold weather.
- The Bhutanese stick to their national dress; Gho for the men and Kira for the women. They are expected to wear this at all government offices and jobs. Once in a while, you will come across someone not following the dress code.
- I saw no beggars on the street, no jokes.
- There are no traffic signals in any city or town - again, no jokes
- The country is covered with prayer flags. Lundaar as it called in Dzongkha literally translated means wind flags. They say that flags are a way to spread good wishes and prayers - when someone puts up a flag in his/ her premises, the wind carries blessings and wishes to all those in the path of the wind and the owner in turn gets wishes in return.

Photo Credit: Pooja Pillai

The highlight of this trip for me (and therefore I will elaborate on this), that one place I was most looking forward to visit was Taktsang Lhakhang or the Tiger's Nest Monastery in Paro. Nestled high up in the mountains, it seems to be in another world by itself. We were advised to start early to avoid the harsh sun. A little past 8 am and we were at the base all ready to begin. The souvenirs stalls were still setting up and we saw a few others arriving at the parking lot too. We grabbed our walking sticks and set off - we were a party of 3; our driver cum guide Kinzang, my sister and I. The trail is rugged to begin with - it doesn't fool by being nice and easy at the start. I don't know what I should call it - a road, a trail, some what of a path ?? Simply put, it seems like some amount of rock was cut away from the mountain so people can walk up vs climb up. The road is muddy, uneven, rocky, winding and has different levels of incline - God help you if you are like me and shirked away from working out and building up stamina before your trip. 25 minutes into our walk and my sister had already started showing signs of turning back. I pushed her to continue but about half a km later, she decided to turn back and wait for me in the parking lot. No amount of senti worked so I continued with the guide (She did however meet us at the first view point later; she took a horse to reach there).

As we walked up further, we are in full range of the sun and it was bright and hot that day. Slowly the jackets came off and sweat start to appear. My energy levels were dropping and I had to slow down - I could feel my stomach churn and within minutes, my breakfast and tea was out at the side of the mountain. I think I was more embarrassed than sick at the point. However, the beauty of this place and this trek was that people around you seemed to understand the exertion your body is going through. As they walked by, some offered advice - sit down, relax, take it easy; some offered support - don't be worried, these things happen, you will make it, don't stop, it will be worth it; and some offered water. All gestures appreciated of course. Let me not get into the entire story but it took me 4 hours to reach up there and it was totally totally worth it. The view is extraordinary, the monastery fills you up with such peace and the pride you feel for yourself having made it so far is unbeatable.

Taktsang Lakhang - Photo Credit: Pooja Pillai

This country for me defined peace and tranquility; even in the capital city of Thimphu, where we saw "crowd" per say. Fair warning though - when and if you visit Phuentsholing, you will think you are still in India - the crowd is crazy, there are beggars in the streets, dirty roads etc so do not include that in your Bhutan experience. But step out of this city, a few kms into the country and a strange calmness comes over you and it stays with you throughout. One of the best things for me was the fact that I had no network on my phone through most of my trip and while, we had a Bhutanese SIM; we stuck to basic calling facilities. I managed well without internet and whatsapp and Facebook - I loved getting WiFi intermittently. I read a fair amount, wrote a bit and more than anything soaked in every breath of clean air my lungs could take in.

I now go around recommending Bhutan to any person who is half interested and I am going to do the same here. Bhutan should be on every person's list, at least before it becomes too crowded and commercial. It is a destination like no other and the experience leaves you wanting more - I know I want to go back; there's a lot left to be explored.

I am a 'didi' now

Such a long time since I put pen to paper, so to speak. Truth be told, writer's block hit me bad. I think I began functioning like a machine, doing my daily tasks as they came along, living out my social life as if it were a compulsion and "enjoying the moment" was not part of any of these. I feel bad that I let the last few months go by like that. But all is not lost. One good thing that I did in the last few months was sign myself up for a very interesting project. To give you a bit of background, I have been toying with the idea of signing up with an NGO for a few years now. So many NGOs out there taking up so many worthy causes and while each of them interested me; be it animal welfare or environmental conservation or even education, none of them really called out to me like this particular one.

It is called the Lighthouse Project and it is an initiative that connects educated urban youth with children from under resourced communities through one on one mentoring thus giving both parties an opportunities to explore a world outside their own. This initiative called out to me as it goes beyond just stepping into the class and teaching but works at showing kids the practicality of what they learn and how to use it. We get to share our experiences and all the training we went through with these kids and contribute our bit in their all round development. Look them up - www.lighthouseproject.in

I got a chance to meet my mentee a few days ago and it was better than I expected. I was pulled back into the world of a 9th grader - of cribbing about homework, school teachers and classroom "rivalry". Her stories were non stop - "that girl is my 'enemy', you shouldn't talk to her also didi"; "that boy is my best friend, sometimes he copies from me"; "i hate maths" - and in my mind I do a double back flip and praise the lord, I don't need to help her with that because you know math... yuccckkk.

However, I also saw another side of her; one that wanted to go beyond the school and the studies, one that was so curious of how an office works; how she loves playing football and she is the goal keeper for her school team; her three repetitions of her understanding of what I do for a living;   - all these conversations were in whispers while our project coordinators were briefing us. Yep, I wasn't one of those who talked when class was on; it was a flashback to college for me. I saw her get excited to learn about colleges, career options, learn about different countries and learn to speak super English as she put it. She was extremely insistent on me visiting her class as well and as I walked in, she points out to the first bench and says "Didi, I sit here; because I keep on talking na" - big grin!

The past Saturday marked day one of the start of us learning together. I already find myself constantly looking for interesting projects that we could do together; looking up suggestions how best to help her and more than often, thinking of ways of spending time together so she doesn't get bored in the first 10 minutes. Scary to feel the burden of responsibilities of a teacher without actually being one; wonder if our teachers from school & college felt it as much too. I can foresee some interesting incidents in the upcoming months; can't wait!

I walked into the school and I am greeted by her big, big smile - "I was waiting for you only didi" and thus it begins! 

Jump !

It's been a while since an idea/ event has registered so strongly in my mind that I needed to pen it down. Having recently returned from a massive five week vacation to the US and London (yes, i know so many of you are cursing me for the five week vacation); I managed to do one thing that was on my bucket list for the longest time - Skydive.

I do not consider myself to be an adventure sports junkie - I do not need to jump off a aircraft or go wreck diving or bungee jumping but I do have a few activities on my bucket list and Skydiving was definitely one of them. To let you in on a little secret (and my family will agree), I get petrified of climbing up on a stool at home to remove stuff kept in higher shelves and cupboards - my feet tremble and I have the constant feeling of falling and cracking my skull. So how skydiving landed on my list I don't know and I can't explain but I only knew I had to do it once.

The planning for this started at almost the same time as the planning for the trip itself. I looked up every place I was visiting and researched sky diving centres there. I finally settled on the idea of doing this at my last destination in the US & my last big adventure in the vacation there, so Miami was the chosen one and The Miami Sky Diving centre was best one I found. I kid you not I must have visited their website at least 20 times in 3 days to read reviews people posted, videos of tandem dives, prices, the whole shebang. Once I was convinced, I began persuading my sister to do a dive too. Once in a lifetime experience I said and what's the worst that can happen - you die .. Of course we discussed a whole lot of worse scenarios but yeah a little convincing later she was on board too. Now the difficult part - telling my parents who were going to be with us in Miami. I thought and thought about it and then decided not to tell them; atleast not at that moment. We made the appointment for the tandem dive - where an instructor dives with you, paid the advance and then a few weeks before we were to leave, we broke the news. They laughed, thought we were kidding, realized we weren't but luckily no drama. My mother seemed quite kicked by the idea actually.

Fast forward to the day of the dive. My sister and I made our way to the airport - a long cab ride away from Downtown Miami. There is no feeling of anxiety or fright or happiness even; it's a little early in the morning and we are still sleepy. We are made to sign a whole bunch of forms which basically say "dude, this is entirely your idea and we are only here to help... so if things go south up there (literally); your family (and you, if you survive somehow) can't sue us. Thank you very much - enjoy your dive". My sister actually reads through each point and comes up with questions; me, I sign blindly. So the instructors/ tandem divers are here and we are getting geared up and we head to the aircraft.I believe that your instructor is super super important esp if this is your first dive since you go in with no expectation. As brave as you are, nerves start to set in and you need someone to talk you through. My instructor has been skydiving for 33 years and done over 8500 jumps. It's just like any office job he says 9 - 5 types (yeah right). The aircraft is a little box, and I am not exaggerating. It correctly fit 5 people - the pilot, my sister, I and our tandem instructors. Superbly uncomfortable with minimal place to stretch your legs and I am 5 ft nothing - I wonder how the taller people manage. My instructor has already given me a low down on what needs to be done once we are out of the aircraft - hands crossed across the chest, head back, back arched.. Sure sure it's simple. As the aircraft takes off, the excitement builds, it's finally happening. My instructor chats away non stop, asking all kinds of questions - where are you form, so where all are you travelling to, do you have family here, tell me about India, the weather in Miami etc.

By the time I finished answering his questions and posing for random pictures on his go pro (for the insurance guys, he says and laughs), we are at 10000 ft and my sister's tandem instructor has thrown open the aircraft door. When the wind hits your face, is when you know - damn this is happening. My sister was closer to the door therefore was the first to jump; one awkward smile to each other and the next moment she was gone. Holy hell - this is really happening. So I inch closer to the door, the wind hitting my face harder and i listen to my instructor telling me to put my legs out of the aircraft. I do and before I know it - I am free falling. Not a moment to think he gave me and I am glad he didn't. As we free fall and I scream, my instructor screams with me - its adds to the fun he says. Let me just say, the free fall of 25-30 seconds seems to be much much longer. So many thoughts crossing my mind - will the parachute open, will I crash into the ground below, haven't I reached 5000 ft yet, damn I am way up high, wow what a view and so much more and of course my instructor kept his chattering up with ohh look you can see the beach from here (yeah, like I was going to look at the beach as I plummet to the ground). Suddenly I feel a tug and the free fall has dropped speed and now I am gliding with the wind. Praise the lord, the parachute has opened - arms wide open and safety glasses off, I finally start appreciating the scenery so to speak. I finally look ahead straight and see the beach, look around and the instructor tells you those are the Keys. My instructor suddenly asks, you want to try some stunts - Hell yeah and two somersaults later my head is reeling & my heart is racing but I am thinking holy hell, somersaults in the air - awesome. I look down below and I can see my sister gliding closer to the ground and ready to make a landing. We prepare to land too and 2 minutes later I can see the ground inching closer. Feet up he shouts, we are supposed to land on our ass. Not the smoothest landing but injury free and I am glad.

An unforgettable 4-5 minutes of my life has now ended and I am grinning. All that we thought of and imagined all these months and we are done - the experience is ours to hold on to. The rush is unbeatable, I can't explain it. Was it scary, hell to the yes but was it worth it - totally and more.My recommendation for your bucket list - go jump ! 

My latest read - Remember the Time

In the last few weeks, I have been invading Flipkart and bookstores more often than usual and overstocking my bookshelf. I am not a single genre person; I have tried most with an exception to sci-fi which hasn't yet caught my fantasy. Autobiographies & biographies have become a favorite in the last few years although I can't credit myself for having read too many.

My latest acquisition was something I was particularly excited about and from the time it was delivered to time, I took about 5 - 6 hours and lapped it all up. It is the latest book of on my absolute favorite artists - MJ; called Remember The Time.

His life has always interested me and I have tried to read all I could find about him. This latest book, written by his body guards is an interesting read for one main reason - I don't see them glorifying Michael Jackson for the mega star that he was. The real experiences they had as they protected him during the final two odd years of his life reads as honest and at some points even bitter. He was beyond the regular description of famous, he was a living legend. His music appealed to every section of section and his story of hard work and success right from the Jackson 5 to his solo career making generated interested in all the tabloids. Unfortunately many remember him more for the controversies that surrounded him starting from the late 80s and early 90s.

The book is very easy reading; It is almost like they are sitting across the room and narrating the story to you between sips of chai. It is a long story and yes they give out a lot of details which may make you believe that the book loses paces in some chapters. It is a different perspective (according to me at least) as most of the usual pieces/ books on him focus on the court cases against him on the child molestation counts and all the crazy stuff the media rumored him to be be involved in - sleeping in a special chamber to maintain his youth etc. This book shows a very harsh reality of his final years; where he struggled financially and on the personal front as well. It explains so much of his paranoia - you wouldn't imagine these scenes occurring in the life of a man loved by billions across the world. It talks about how he didn't have a home of his own and was continuously on the move to get away from the glare of the paparazzi; how his life focused only on his children and making music for himself because that made him happy; how they saw him make mistakes in trusting the wrong people as they led him down the wrong path and they couldn't say or do anything. The writers i.e. his body guards continuously reiterate how he always wanted to be left alone with his family.

The book on the whole, leaves you sad; I have to admit (at least I was sad) but there are also glimpses of the small joys in life - beyond the money and the fame. More than anything, there is the realization that actors, singers, artists etc are all human at the end of the day - Their lives, fortunately or unfortunately are no different from us regular people. RIP Michael Jackson !

Ready, set, go !!

The last few months I have been trying to become more and more regular at the gym. I am still not regular; I do one week well and then I say I deserve some time off and take the next week off :P One of the new years resolutions every year is obviously to stay healthy and work out regularly but one very important on the list for 2013 was to run a marathon. Now what I had managed to do was sign for the Mumbai Marathon 2014; but it didn't fit my "2013" resolutions. So one weekend in early November; I came across a marathon hat was happening in Mumbai called Pinkathon. The idea behind this run was to promote awareness about breast cancer and it was an all womens' run. It sounded perfect and I signed up without thinking about it too much. I got my confirmation email for the payment and the distance - 5 km.

5 km... sounded simple and I was already on a fairly regular workout schedule so 5 km run - no big deal. See that's called stupidity, major stupidity. I decided that I must obviously improve my run time and pace besides the regular gym workout so I cut off cardio in the gym and decided to start running on the streets. The next day, my alarm rang at 6 am and I jumped out of bed all excited to begin. Tracks on, shoes on and I head out. a brisk walk to start off for 2 mins and I slowly break into a jog. I breeze past the regular morning walkers on the road and in my mind I smirk. But my jog was not a jog; I ran and 45 secs later I was huffing and puffing at the side of the road. So now the same walkers were walking past me with a smile that said " geez amateurs !". My smirk had obviously disappeared; maybe my mind had too... I could feel a throbbing in my brain, my heart, my legs, my ribs..  I could almost hear the 'thud, thud, thud'. Lesson learned - research is needed and I am no Mickey Mehta. So it begins - the countless searches on Google; how to run 5 km in one month, how to run 5 km in 6 weeks, dummies guide to waking up early to work out (yes, i found that too) - these are bookmarked on my laptop. A timetable to record running time was made in MS Word, printed and pasted on my wardrobe, where I religiously recorded my run time.I slowly started building stamina. The run time began increasing from 3 minutes to 6 minutes to 11 minutes till I could manage about 15 - 18 minutes at a go. Now seasoned runners, I know you may think ' Pfft 15 - 18 minutes, whatever !!' but I m proud. The pride you feel when you run and are not huffing and dying at the end - Unmatchable. The day of the run was a night away and excitement was building.

5 30 am is assembly time at the BKC grounds in Mumbai where we first start off with Zumba. It was awesome to see women from all walks of life, all ages groups, all parts of the city come together for this cause. Each one surely had their own agenda too to prove to themselves maybe, their families perhaps - I could feel the anticipation and excitement. I saw little girls all geared up to run; with no clue about the marathon but for them it was like just another sports day. I saw women probably over 60 years, all clad in their sweaters and Nike shoes catching each beat of the Zumba workout and all pepped up to run; some had signed up for the 10 km run - Impressed !

Now I have to say when the 5 km run started, you have no choice but to walk the first 500-600 meters coz the group is still all huddled together and people are getting warmed up. Then all those days of early morning waking and running and keeping track of time pushes every muscles in your body to begin your run. It feels perfect. Pleasant and somewhat chilled Mumbai air in your face, the clear roads of BKC (cordoned off by the organizers for the run) and hundreds of fellow runners each one pushing the other to run. As I run and run, I look at each corner and turn of the road thinking so 'we turn back from here and head back'; 'maybe here we turn back', ' I hope here we turn and head back' .. Dude, 5 km is long. Now I did my research (via Google maps) to understand what 5 km was. From home to JW Marriott and back, home to my school n back; didn't seem so long.. ho jayega no problem !! Whole different story when you actually run.

As we began to turn back to the start point, something inside kicks starts inside you and pushes you to run. Each time I stopped to walk, that inner voice yelled and said "Come one lazy bum, move it.. think of all the days you sacrificed sleep and went for a run". Apart from this cheerleader (/??), there were a whole guys standing along the end hooting and cheering us to run. Yep the finish line was approaching. I broke in my final run determined to stop only once I cross the line. About a 100 meters away and I see the line, clearer than anything around - a whole bunch of people screaming and shouting, the dhol walas at the finish were getting louder and louder ( yes there were dhol walas ). But my inspiration suddenly leaped multifold when I saw Milind Soman stand at the finish line clapping and cheering. A few steps away and I thrust whatever energy I had left and pushed myself through the finish line.

I was there, it was done... Over ... Completed !! I can't describe the joy I felt and can you imagine how much it grew when Milind came around giving us high-fives !! *gleee*

As the day turns !

She sits straight, her lean frame not quite filling the chair. The mirror looks larger than life. A typical woman's dresser this is - a few skin creams, hair brushes and combs neatly sorted into a tall wicker basket, a few exotic bottles of perfume stand proud; Chanel, Christian Dior, Estee Lauder. They look to distract her, those glistening bottles with mystical coloured liquids with aromas which will fill up the room. Today however, they do not catch her eye. She digs into her dresser drawer and pulls out an pouch. Black cowhide leather with a silver zipper and a metal brand logo on the zip hook; The intertwined LV is not unknown - Louis Vuitton. She scrambles through its contents and pulls out a golden tube clearly marked concealer. She dabs on little dots starting under her eyes and moves on to different sections of her face. A few times of dabbing with the make up pad and the skin is clear. A cover layer of foundation - one tone lighter than skin colour they say, and her skin is perfect. A dash of kohl to brighten up her eyes and some bright gloss on her lips. She is now content with her face.

She shuffles through her wardrobe and picks out her straight legged jeans; figure hugging one may add. They feel snug - good choice. A full sleeve black tee makes it way out next. The thought of facing hot Indian summer does cross her mind but no bother. Now dressed to take on the day, she makes her way to the living room where her little daughter is happily munching on her toast, smudges of strawberry jam smeared on her face, fingers and some on the table too. The little one smiles wide revealing a gap in a mouth where there should have been two front teeth. "Look Mamma, she says; I am all dressed today and waiting for you. You are late today". The little one's naughty smile is hard to ignore, "yes baby, Mamma is late... and you are a good girl. Hurry and finish eating; it's time for school." The little one runs into her arms and while she is being lifted, her mamma groans; "what happened mamma" and her mamma smiles and replies "you are becoming a big girl darling, mamma is not strong to carry you". The drive to school was filled with the little one's chatter - from singing to a popular film song to stories about school and friends. She glances from time to time at the little one through the Oakley sunglasses and absentmindedly responds to her questions. Once she is dropped off, her day begins.She heads out to the local super market to pick up ingredients for the day's menu. She looks through the veggies sections hunting for the freshest produce. Chicken for her little one who loves it so much is next on her list. A few other items are dropped into the shopping cart and its off to the cash counter. On her way back as she stops at the signal, she looks at the little children begging on the road and her mind rushes back to her little one. How would that little one manage without her, she wonders and then immediately brushes that thought off. She is uneasy as she drives back, she struggles at every signal to adjust herself in her seat. As she steps of her car, carrying her grocery bags, the scarf stays around her neck and sunglasses on her face. "She thinks she is some celebrity", the neighbours snicker behind her back.

She gets through her day; cleaning her home, getting the meals ready etc. She has help but she wants to do it herself. She needs the distraction she thinks, the mind needs to be occupied. The minutes and hours on the clock seem to be flying by and the little one comes skipping home. The until now silent house is filled with laughter again. The world seems different again, with music and dancing and giggles. She always looks forward to all the time she has with her little one. As the skies grow dark, she feeds her little one and puts her to bed while narrating stories of princes and princesses and happiness in a land far far away.

Her mind's uneasiness begins to surge again. The feeling is not unfamiliar; it is a daily occurrence. The knot in her stomach grows heavier. As she washes the makeup off her face, the marks are visible now. The bruises have changed colour under the layer of makeup and through the day; a tinge of purple now. Smiling hurts her but she had to. As she changes into her night clothes, the burn mark on her right hand from her hand being held under hot water is evident. Tears fill up her eyes as she looks at it and remembers how she struggles to carry her little one. Her back reveals vertical lines, the leather belt has left signs from last night and some nights prior to that. She shudders as her eyes fall on the grandfather clock. It is almost 9 pm. He will be home anytime; she worries, I wonder what his mood will be like; will his eyes be burning with rage like last night.. Will he be drunk like last night when he lashed at me with his belt and then simply passed out on the bed ... I wonder what will irk him today, the items at the dinner table today or the clothes I am wearing or just the look of my face. What ordinary household item will turn into a tool of torture for me ? What about me angers him to a point beyond sensibility where beating me seems like the only option ... I cannot scream else my little one will wake; she does not need to see this. The tears don't stop as she replays every scenario from last night, the bruises never stop hurting, she struggles to breathe. She wants to find a corner to hide but it never helps; she wants it to stop but it never does.

As her mind continues to imagine what fresh hell is going to fall upon her tonight, the door bell rings... he's here !!